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How do I figure out what I want in life?
This is a great question and one that we feel we should easily be able to answer, but is it that easy?
Judgements, expectations, ‘should’s’, life and it’s up and downs, can all keep our true desires ‘hidden’ from us.
In this episode we explore:
- Why it might not be as easy to identify what it is you want.
- Why what you think you want might not actually be true
- How to start to uncover what you really do want
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Hello, and welcome to the A Pinch of Magick podcast with me, Rebecca Anuwen.
So today I’ve got a Ask Me Anything answer to a question that has been posed to me.
When people come and join my free community, which actually I want to remind you about in a minute, there’s a question says, If you could ask Rebecca anything, what would you ask her?
And I was reading through all the questions today, because there’s quite a few. And this is a question that jumped up at me because it’s something that I feel very strongly about, and it’s one that a lot of people have.
So just to remind you, in that free community at the moment, which is why we’ve had an influx of people, so I’ve been going through all the questions is, we are still, in our Magickal Summer School.
It’s six weeks of classes about helping you to own your magick.
We’ve had four classes already, so you are more than welcome to come and join us and watch the replays, all the replays are there, the classes are about an hour ish long.
There’s lots of really great content, and fabulous conversations going on around these topics.
Week one was all about what is magic, we were looking at, like where to begin, what do you do? How do you fit it in with your life tools, ethics and intentions.
The second week, one of my favorite topics, and there’s lots of my podcasts on this already, and that is energetic health and hygiene, why that’s important, when you know if your energy needs a little bit extra how to protect that energy and how to be very intentional with your energy. And we looked at like protection and shielding.
Week three, we looked at spells very much our relationship with the tools that we use the herbs, the colors, all of the correspondences that we use, we looked at like how to create a spell effectively.
And then last week, we looked at Sacred rhythms, we were looking at the moon energy, we were looking at the solar energy with the sabbats, we were looking at days of the week, we even had the most fun homework, where somebody actually posted in the group they went out for to their favorite Italian restaurant to have the most delicious pasta with with our partner. And she said this was the most fun homework ever. So if you’re curious about how going out for dinner is homework, you’ll want to come and listen to week four.
This week on Thursday, we’re looking at living your magick, daily practices, how to fit magick i, even if you feel too busy. How to fit magick in if you have children, puppies, life, careers, all of it, how to really weave magic into everyday life.
And in our final week, week six, we’re going to be looking at ritual and any final questions and answers people have for me.
So if any of that sounds like juicy content, click in the shownotes community to join us. If you’re not already part of the community,it will ask you to register, and all of the replays, are all there waiting for you to enjoy.
So back to the question that caught my attention today, somebody asks:
“I know that magic is about setting intentions, I feel very blessed and grateful for what I have in my life and my family. I struggle with knowing what I want. Many of the ideas for spells are about caring that you have for other people to make their lives easier. Will that still work? Alternatively? How do I figure out what I want?”
Now when I first started practicing kinesiology, an energy therapy, 23 years ago, most of the people coming to see me were coming to see me because they had conditions like IBS, and eczema.
And the reason they were coming to see me was because they wanted me to test for an allergy for them, they wanted me to tell them: Oh, you’re allergic to wheat, you’re allergic to tomatoes, cut those out and your IBS will clear up or your skin or clear up.
And you know, sometimes that would help.
But most of the time, like high 90 %, most of the time it’s because these women were living the life they thought they should live. They had, the family, the house, they had the cars, the careers, the holidays. And yet something wasn’t aligned for them.
They knew there was something else they wanted, but they didn’t have the language for it. They had never taken the time to say to themselves, actually, what is that I want from life.
And so because they didn’t know how to scream out, ‘help my life’s off track’, their body did it for them.
And so, when I start talking to these women about what is this really about? What about your dreams and desires? They would quite often say ‘Oh, I don’t know’. Or they would say that they I just wanted their family to be healthy. I want my children to do well. I want you know my parents to be x, y and z.
It was always about other people. It was never about themselves. And quite often when they suddenly realised this, they got really angry that they had, you know, put their life on hold. That they had lost a part of themselves and that they didn’t really know what they wanted anymore.
This really came home to me about, I think it was about six or seven years ago, after I had run summer school (different than it’s been this year). But the first time I’d run it about six or seven years ago, and people loved it so much that we went on to do a deeper dive into archetypes. We explored the Mother, Maiden, SHEro and Crone archetypes.
As we started looking at the archetypes, when we explored the Maiden, the ‘good girl energy’ came up, and it brought up so much rage, because people hadn’t realized how much they had been conditioned to be a ‘good girl’, to be a good person to be a good daughter, to be a good mom, to be a good employee, to be a good wife, to be a good… all of these things, that they had forgotten how to be a good themselves.
It’s like they’re we’re so busy and exhausted, being good at everything else, they had lost touch with who they were.
And when we look at society, it’s very much in particular women. And I always say this, I’m sure men get this as well. But I work mainly with women. So this is the lens I see it through. It’s like women have been conditioned to prioritize other people over themselves.
Now, of course, we can break through free from that conditioning. Absolutely. But still, I see women who are very much the carers and the nurturers. They might not have wanted that position. But that’s the position they found themselves in.
And then they get to a point in their life where they’re almost afraid to even allow themselves to dream. Because that’s when this anger comes up of all of those lost dreams, wasted opportunities, wasted years. And of course, they’re not wasted at all. But it can have that sense of oh my goodness, I’ve where has my life gone, you know, the children are leaving home, or careers are changing, or relationships are changing. And you’re just like, what, what’s just happened?
But when life changes, and suddenly you have that crossroads, and you’re like, ‘Oh, hang on a minute, is this still what I want?’ and you start becoming aware of those things you do want, the next thing that comes up is fear of rejection.
Because quite often we go into situations, whether it’s meeting people, going into work, and subconsciously, we have this pattern playing out saying:
‘Who do I need to be to be accepted in this community?’
‘Who do I need to be to be loved in this environment’
And so we can take on a role. Now, don’t confuse, sometimes it’s good to take on a role. Sometimes it’s maybe good to pretend to be a little bit more confident, or maybe part of your personality comes out at work and a different part of your personality comes out at home. That’s okay. But it’s when you completely lose your sense of identity.
And I know this because I did this. I thought it was a superpower. I thought when I was younger, I was like, oh my goodness, I can just fit into any community. And I can be in that community. And it’s a gift to be able to connect with all of those people. But I was losing a sense of myself.
It wasn’t as though I was like, Rebecca, just showing a different part of my personality. It’s like I could really merge into those communities. And I didn’t realize at the time, but that was very much because I can feel those things.
And anyone that maybe resonates as an empath or HSP, a highly sensitive person, perhaps you notice yourself being a chameleon in all of those areas. And it’s very easy to lose that sense of self.
And then of course, when you start to remember who you are, you can still be in all of those communities, but you show up as yourself. But perhaps you had always been the generous one, or the one that would always make the cake, or offer to drive someone, or offer to arrange the gathering, or whatever it may be.
And suddenly you’re like, actually, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’ve got other things I want to do with my time. Then what comes up is fear of rejection; ‘what if they don’t love me anymore, if I stopped doing that thing that I think they loved me for?
Because maybe they’re not loving you, for you. Perhaps you don’t know who you are. Perhaps you’ve never showed them who they are.
And then there’s that fear of, oh, if I start saying ‘no,’ how will they respond?
And then on top of that, there’s an identity piece. If you have always been the nurturer, the carer, the problem solver ,the rescuer, the cake baker, the taxi, the organizer… and suddenly you’re like, ‘you know what, maybe that’s not who I want to be anymore’, then we have a change your identity.
And it doesn’t sound like much like, ‘Yeah, but I don’t want to be the taxi driver anymore Rebecca’, or whatever it is. But if we, if we lose that sense of identity, it really is like, ‘Oh, who am I now?’
And I was just talking to someone, about a process I call ‘caterpillar soup’. Because like when you start to go, ‘oh, this is not how I want to show up in the world.’ We’re no longer the caterpillar, but we’re not quite the butterfly. So we have to go through this mushy space in the middle, where it feels like everything’s crumbling everything that we know.
And that’s that kind of loss of identity. And in that comes grief, grief for what could have been, grief for what won’t come into fruition anymore, once you change those identities.
And so that’s another part of the process as well.
And then, as if that wasn’t enough, you then have to go, ‘Oh, if I’m going to be true to myself’, which as we know, for you to create incredible magick in your life and to have spellcraft that works, you do need to be aligned, you do need to be true, you do need to be full of your energy and not other people’s judgments and expectations.
Once you do that, and you’re honest with yourself, we can’t escape honesty. Why we are busy doing all of the things, for all of the people, it’s very easy not to have honest conversations with yourself. And say ‘Oh, yeah, everything’s fine. It’s lovely’.
It’s lovely. Until one day, it’s not.
And then you’re like, holy broomsticks. How did I get here?
But once you make that decision, like, ‘oh, actually, who am I? What is it that I do want in the world?’ Once you start to have those conversations with yourself, you get the honest answers. Maybe not immediately, because there might be a few layers to crack through. But once you do, it’s like you then realize you have to have tough conversations, and perhaps there are tough choices to make.
Is that things are working out for you, or does it need to change?
Is that relationship still supportive of you?
Is that hobby, is that friendship, still one that feels aligned with you? Or Are there conversations that need to be had and boundaries to reassert?
What will you need to do differently from now on as you move forward?
And so, if your life is as this lady says, ‘I feel very blessed, I feel very blessed in my life right now’. It’s really hard to decide that you want to change that because if life is good, if life is great.
If life is just okay, it’s really hard to change that, because we know change is going to bring discomfort. And if things are okay, sometimes, okay, is better than the discomfort that we know comes with change.
I was talking to someone the other day, and they have this incredible dream, this incredible vision. And it’s gonna come with some judgment for this person. But their life is so good right now, so that this soul calling they have, they’re not taking action on it because their life is already so good.
And it’s really hard for them to go ‘but why would I want to rock the boat if my life is already really good?’ And yet, there’s this longing for this to create this thing.
And whilst she’s saying ‘I really want that’, but not doing that, there’s always going to be this longing for her.
And so when you think, ‘oh, yeah, you know, I know what I want to do’. It’s like, are you settling? No, I’m not saying you have to uproot everything in your life. But just quite often when people are like, ‘oh, yeah, I have this like dream’, but you’re not taking action towards it. It’s probably because life is really good. And it’s like, ‘Do you know what, good is good is really good’.
And we look at the things going on in the world, you’re like, ‘Oh, my goodness, I am really grateful for good’. It’s like, why would I rock the boat?
And so we have all of these different thoughts and feelings and subconscious patterns playing out that stop us really connecting with what you want.
And maybe you have done this in your life? Maybe you’ve settled in the past. Maybe you’re like, actually, I don’t know what I want.
So I want you to take a moment and just ask yourself, what do you want from life right now?
What are those dreams, those desires, those, those visions you have for yourself, or are you like ‘you know what life is good’?
And absolutely, good is fantastic. And maybe good is where you want to be.
And so, as this lady asked, How do I figure out what I want?
You know, she’s talked about doing her spell work for other people, everything she’s always wanted is for other people. And that’s probably a whole other conversation.
What I will actually just say about it right now though is when we’re doing work for other people, we want to ask their permission first.
If we can’t ask their permission, we offer the energy. This is the way I do it, I offer the energy to them, I don’t try and control the actions, they are still sovereign beings. So I might offer the energy to that person, and then just see it floating around their head, and if they want it, they can draw it down. If they don’t, it will just dissolve for the highest good of all involved.
So there is there like an integrity and ethics piece around doing work to other people. I mean, if they’ve asked you for it, that’s very different.
But anyway, that’s another conversation right now.
But when you think about what it is you want from the life, what are your dreams? What are your visions, I would just start by saying, follow your curiosity.
Look back over your life. And think about the most meaningful times in your life. When have you most felt like you, what was happening?
And a fun way to do this is to take your age, and divide it into four. So you’re looking at four areas of your life and think about what were the most meaningful things that happened in that quarter.
So my age is quite easy. I’m 44. So I could look at birth to 11 and ask myself: what are my significant memories from like, noughts to 11?
And then I could go from 12 to 22. And then from 23, to 33. And then from 33, to now to 44. And just think what are the significant things that have happened, when I’ve I most felt like myself, what do I look most forward to in my life.
And another thing that’s quite fun to do, is just think, if I was getting out of bed every day, well, hopefully you do get out of bed everyday. But when you were having your day, what would be the feelings or the values that you would want front and center of your life?
So that when you went to bed that night, you’re like, ‘Ah, that was a really good day’, and you genuinely feel fulfilled. Feeling like you’ve lived your purpose. Like you just feel that was a really good day.
Maybe it’s about connection, fun, joy, love. Maybe it’s about being in nature, maybe it’s about nourishing yourself, it doesn’t matter what it is.
Often when I ask people that question, they’ll say things like, oh, it’s love. And that may be true. But sometimes people pick love, because it seems like a ‘good’ value to have.
But is it yours?
Maybe yours is adventure. Maybe yours is abundance? And you’re like, ‘oh, but that seems a bit selfish’. Is it? Is it really?
And so when we have those judgments, just observe them? And just go ‘Oh, yeah, but if I could do anything in the world right now, what would it be?’
When you were a child? What was that job you wanted?
Maybe you wanted to be an astronaut. And maybe that won’t be possible for you today. But it’s that idea of adventure that would have been important to you, crossing final frontiers, going to places where people haven’t gone before.
So how can you incorporate more of that into your life?
As I’ve often shared, when I was younger, I was looking for my purpose, like it was a job title. And I think sometimes there can be so much pressure to figure out what you want right now that it has to be a destination, it has to be a thing.
When I was looking for my purpose, it’s like I want a job title. But maybe that’s not how it’s going to show up. Maybe what you want in life is more joy, more love, more learning, more expansion, more, travel, more adventure.
Start thinking about what makes your energy expand and pull you forward.
And so this is also quite a fun thing to do, you can just think about it, you know, think about having more joy in your life. And so just feel into your body. And just think, how would it feel to have more joy in your life?
Maybe your energy pulls you forward slightly, and it feels expansive? And you’re like, ‘Oh, yes, that feels really good’. It doesn’t have to be a jazz hands good. It could just be like a deep inner knowing where you’re just like, ‘Yes, that’s good’.
Or maybe your body just stays neutral.
When it’s like, ‘Yeah, neither here nor there’. Perhaps it just nudges you backwards. If it’s nudging you backwards. That generally means ‘no’. If your energy is contracting, it’s a no.
If it’s neutral, I think you can do better.
If it’s pulling you forward, particularly from your heart, or your energetic womb space, it’s like, ‘oh, explore more of that’.
Pick some values. Go on to Google and just Google v’alue list’. And you can just start working down the values list like, well, what would be a good one for me to have?
Because once you start giving yourself permission to dream, you will find the answer.
As you ask that question, ‘what do I want from life?’ you will start to receive that answer.
Now, you might want to ignore the answer you get for all of the reasons we’ve said. Because when we do know, it does demand that we create change. And, you know, maybe we don’t want to make the change that is going to be required of us.
But you at least owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities. So that’s one way of doing it.
Another way is to journal Now this does require that you use a pen and paper or digital notepad.
At the top with your dominant hand, the hand you would usually write with, just write: ‘what do I want from life?’
Okay, now, first of all, write that, and then just journal and see what comes up. You might want to start by saying; ‘I don’t know what I want from life Rebecca, that’s why I asked you…’
And then once you’ve started writing, you might be surprised by what comes up.
However, if that doesn’t work, and you’re just like; ‘nope, blocked, Rebecca, I can’t think of anything…’, then, with your non dominant hand, start writing. Because this is a great way to connect with like the truth of a situation for you.
Your brain is so busy trying to hold the pen. So busy trying to work out how to write a letter, that your the truth starts coming out.
So that’s a really interesting way to do it as well.
And, of course, a more magickal way… well, actually, they are very much magickal… but you could use divination. You could draw your favourite oracle cards, and just ask ‘what do I want more of in my life?’ And the cards will give you an answer.
Now, here’s the thing. It’s not about taking the card at face value. It’s about drawing that card, and you might want to reference the guidebook to see if any words jumped out at you. And as you read the description, if any words do feel stronger, write them down.
But equally, write down something you don’t like. If you’re like, ‘oh, I don’t want to do that. That’s not what I want at all’. Brilliant. Because knowing what you don’t want is as important as knowing what is what you do want.
So you can draw that card, and maybe it will say something like travel. And you’re like, ‘oh, no, I don’t want to travel. That’s awful. I can’t be doing with that’. And brilliant. Okay, so you know that what you want to do more of is probably a little bit closer to home. Or maybe it’s about like having community or stability.
Or you might look at that travel card and go, ‘Oh my God, yes. Oh, that’s exactly what I wanted’. And so now you can blame the card lol… You’re like, ‘oh, yeah, the cards told me’. But now you know that adventure, that growth, that broadening your horizons is important to you.
It doesn’t mean you have to travel, although of course you can do, but it’s just giving you a nudge in the right direction.
So, as always, with the journaling, with the asking yourself the questions, with the oracle cards, take a moment just to ground yourself to become present.
Then you might want to light a candle, you could light a candle for white for clarity. You could use yellow for clear communication. And you know, just think about what is it that you want to achieve, ‘what is it I want in life?’, you could use purple for like purpose.
Whatever colour resonates for you, or white is a very good go to candle. Light that candle. Close your eyes, put your hand over your heart space, feel your feet flat on the floor, just take a moment to ground and centre your energy.
Closing your eyes just to cut out distractions, hand on your heart just to connect with your body. And just ask for guidance to be able to connect with what it is that you want in the world.
If you’ve lost your dream, your vision, you’ve got lost along the way, just ask that question and then do the journaling. Then draw your tarot cards, your runes, your charms, whatever it is that you’re working with. And just allow your mind to wander.
If everything was taken care of in your life, if you didn’t have to worry about anything, what would you spend your time doing?
If time, money, energy wasn’t an issue, what would you be doing?
You might come up with a really big dream that feels really way out of reach. But that’s great. Visualize it, imagine it, think it, whatever works for you. And then think; ‘how can I bring a bit of that to my life now?’
And it might seem like how? You might have this vision of an incredible holiday and, you know, massages every day and cocktails in hammocks, or living in a completely different place, or having a completely different job.
Ask yourself, ‘what would that really give you?’
So I’m not saying don’t have that dream. But what is the fundamental ways that you would be feeling the values that would be front and center of your life, the emotions that you would be feeling?
What needs would be getting met?
And then ask yourself; ‘how can you do that in daily life?’
Now, it might not look like the big lavish holiday, it might not look like the grand mansion, it might not look like that job that you have, that you dream of, but what can you do to connect you with that energy?
Today, there will be something, it might just be to look at a picture of a beautiful landscape, of if you want cocktails by the sea it might be to go to your favourite bar and have that cocktail.
It could be to listen to beach sounds. There will be something you can do that will give you that energy.
Maybe it’s about the idea of being carefree. Maybe it’s the idea of adventure, or travel or growth? Or maybe it’s that idea of being nourished or nurtured. Maybe it’s the idea of feeling safe.
Think about how can you bring that energy into your life right now today? And then follow the curiosity?
So you’ve got that dream, maybe that dream changes over time, over days, or weeks or even months? And just keep thinking: ‘If nothing was an issue in your life right now, what would you do, be, and have?’
And then bring it back to today, and think about how you can you give yourself that now.
And as you keep dreaming into that bigger vision, it just gives us clues into how you want to be living your life, how you can be showing up right now.
And you start to connect with what it is that you want.
Because first of all, when I ask people what they want, it is usually always about other people.
Then I say ‘no, what is it you actually want for yo? If you’re allowing yourself to be completely self-focused for a moment. And just for a moment, what would you allow yourself to dream into?
So I would love for you to come over into our community. Obviously, come and join Summer School if you want to.
But just to share? What is the your dream right now?
What are those values and those feelings you want front and centre of your life?
And how can you give them so how can you give them to yourself now, as you move towards what it is you want for yourself.
And knowing that that will change.
When you are maybe at college or university or just starting work, your dreams and desires may be very different from when you have several young children, or as your children grow older, or when children leave home or whether you don’t have children.
As life changes, you change and your dreams and desires can change too.
So even if you haven’t ever thought about your own dreams and desires until now it’s like; what would I want right now?
What would be really like fun, nourishing, joyful, expansive.
What would make you feel more like yourself?
How could you express yourself fully?
It might look like learning a new skill.
It could look like changing relationship.
These are big questions. And it doesn’t surprise me that people can sometimes avoid them.
And it’s worth remembering that we can have a dream, only to find out it’s not actually ours. It’s something we have internalised because our family, our culture, our society wanted us to have it.
And so you think it’s yours because you hear it in ‘your voice’, so to speak, and then you discover ‘Oh my God, this isn’t even mine!’
So that’s another very good question to ask yourself when you say, ‘Yeah, I know what my dream is Rebecca’. Just ask yourself, ‘Is it yours?’
And hopefully 100% It is.
Or you might say, ‘Oh, do you know what, it nearly is, but there’s something missing?’
If this is the case, give yourself permission to get really clear on what it is you want from life. And remember, it doesn’t have to be a thing. A lot of people have vision boards with ‘things’ on the vision board. And that’s fantastic. But actually, maybe it’s a feeling you want more of in your life, maybe it’s a value that you want front and centre.
There is no wrong answer for you.
The right answer is your truth.
And you might try something on and go, ‘Yeah, I thought I wanted that. But I don’t anymore’. And that’s okay.
It’s okay to change your mind.
You’re human, it’s what we do. It’s what life does to us.
Our experiences change, we change and then maybe our desires change, too. And that’s okay, too.
So, come into our community, and let us know what it is you want from life.
Because I always love it when people share their dream, the things that they want or their intentions. I just imagine us all Care Bear staring… such a child of the 80s and 90s… and Care Bear staring your your dreams and your visions into life.
And if you’re still not sure what it is that you want, come and ask questions about it in our community, and we’ll nudge you in the right direction and get you answering the right questions to help you connect with that, and maybe identify some of the patterns or the fears that are holding you back. And there’s lots of magick we can do for that.
So I hope to see you in our community and come and share your biggest dreams and desires.
I’ll speak to you again soon.